Blessed When It Doesn't Feel Like it

“You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.” Matthew 5:3 (MSG)

A few years ago God allowed a journey that took me to the end of my rope. There was a hiccup in the business, actually, it was more than a hiccup. It was a traumatic event that left me wondering if we were going to have to close….for good. I laid people off. I wasn’t getting paid. I had bills to pay.

In my panic, all I could do was pray “Please help me.” I was so numb from the events that took place that I couldn’t even think through a plan...except to pray “Please help me.” It was during that time that God said “Wait.” When you have bills to pay and no money, waiting doesn’t sound like the best plan. As a matter of fact, it sounds downright ludicrous. My logical mind said, “If I can do something about this, I should.” But He was very persistent and the message was always the same. Wait.

So, I told him I would wait as long as he provided. And He did. For a year and a half. For eighteen months I did not get paid but, every month money showed up in all sorts of miraculous ways.

You know what I did for that year and a half? I prayed and asked him to please send work so I could make money again. Finally, I guess I got tired of praying that prayer and I said “You have been providing all this time. I’m not praying that prayer any more. Do what you want.” And I let it go. I think it was at that moment that I was at the end of my rope.

The release and the peace I experienced at that moment was palpable. I can’t help but wonder if that’s what being blessed feels like when you get to the end of your rope. The assurance that God’s got this. The knowledge that He is there and that no matter what He decides will be fine with me. Even if it’s hard.

Another amazing thing that happened during those eighteen months was that He called me to ministry. There was definitely less of me and more of God at the end. I am so very thankful He took me on that journey.

Glimpses in the Journey

I said, “Here I am. Send me.” Isaiah 6:8 (NLT)

I am a co-vocational church planter. What does that mean exactly? It means that I have two jobs. One is my day job and one is church planting. When all this started I wasn’t sure how it was going to work. Surely there would be days when the demands were too much and I couldn’t handle it. But over the years God has been processing how this actually works with me. He’s allowed me to ease into it.

When he first said that he was calling me into ministry, I had no idea what it looked like and that journey is its own story. But here we are, co-vocationally planting a church. Of course, we are in the baby step phases. I am sure it will get more challenging as we go but one thing I’ve learned, God is in control of all of it, including the crazy schedule. Each day (that usually has too many things in it), I’ve watched God move this, cancel that, open up pockets of time and at the end of the day, what gets done is what He wants done. It’s actually fascinating to watch.

Recently, as I’ve been more comfortable with the uncertainty of it all, another layer was added. Some opportunities came up that are in line with ministry but in a slightly different way. I started praying. As I prayed, I asked God “How in the world did we get here?” And He said “You asked me to use you.” And of course, He was right. I did. Many times over the years.

The morale of this story could be “Be careful what you pray for.” Or maybe “What it looks like to pray dangerous prayers.” But I don’t think so. And even though they pop into my head, those thoughts are way too limited.

As I look back on the years that have passed since God first called, I see a consistent movement to get me more dependent on Him. He has grown my trust in ways I didn’t think possible. He’s taken away what I thought I was in control of to the point that I’ve realized I am not actually in control of anything….even my time. He has consistently shown up and showed off (I love it when he does that!) He has lovingly allowed me time to take it all in so I don’t run screaming from the room when something new pops up. He is exciting and challenging. Sometimes, it’s downright scary.

God is dangerous. He is not predictable. If you say “Please send me.” He will. He might give you a little time to learn more and He might not. But you can always depend on Him. You can trust that He loves you and that he is good. He will stretch you but man, it’s the most “fill you up until you burst inside” thing you will ever do. And you realize no matter how much you are doing, it pales in comparison to what Jesus has already done.

I will never fully know who God is in my lifetime. He is too awesome for that. But I can promise you, if you seek Him, you will find Him. He will love on you in ways you cannot imagine! So go ahead! Ask Him to use you. Ask Him to send you. Then sit back and relax and watch Him come alive in your life!

"What if" Fears

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)

Almost three years ago, God began to rock my world. I don’t mean that I just got to know him. He had whispered to me many years before and I considered myself a Christ follower. So did the people who knew me which is very funny if you knew my backstory…..but that’s another blog post.

I did want to know Jesus and I did follow him. And I kept asking him to know him more. I did really want that. And I guess, he decided to answer.

In mid-2016, the bottom fell out of my business. Along with that, the bottom fell out of my bank account as well. There is so much to that story, I could write a book. As I was stumbling along trying to figure this out, God kept saying “Trust me.”

In March 2017, my Pastor and friend asked me to go with her to a spiritual conference. I thought “Well, I’m not really working right now. I don’t have anything else to do so why not.” And I went. During that conference I felt God call. What does that mean? God spoke so loudly that he had something for me to do that I broke down sobbing when it happened. I cried through the rest of the day. Now, for those that don’t know me, I do cry but I don’t usually sob. In public. Uncontrollably.

People said God was calling me to pastor. I totally disagreed with that because just like I don’t typically sob, I’m also not your typical pastor material. I don’t say that in a derogatory way. Pastors are supposed to be gentle and not so opinionated (at least out loud.) Gentle and not opinionated are not usually used to describe me.

I was willing to say that God called me. But I was not willing to say to what. But that’s OK. God didn’t care. He just kept growing me, changing me and leading me into this calling of his. My job wasn’t to be able to describe it, it was to just keep walking the journey.

When people referred to me as a Pastor, I internally balked. I am not pastor material. But I kept walking toward whatever this calling was. Fast forward a few years. Lots of time spent with God, him growing, me walking (sometimes it felt like crawling (backwards)), training, reading and letting people speak into my life. And all of a sudden God said, “It’s time.”

We are planting a discipleship based church. And I am the church plant Pastor. It has taken a lot for me to write this post. I think this is why I haven’t written for a while. Because I knew I was supposed to write this and I couldn’t. I couldn’t because “what if?” What if I mess it up? What if this wasn’t my calling? I don’t know how to do this. My brain filled with “what if” fears.

Then God said. You can’t do it. Only I can. Look at me. Keep spending time with me and I will use you exactly the way I planned.

There is still a long journey ahead. And there is still part of me that wants to say that this is not the plan and something else will come up. But, in spite of the fact that I don’t believe this about myself, apparently, God is working.

And that is the really cool thing about God. If you can imagine it, put the plan in place and get it done, it was probably your plan and not God’s. If you look at it and think that is impossible and totally unbelievable, God was probably in it. The only thing to be afraid of then is that you start relying on your own strength.

I wrote this post because 1) God told me to and 2) because I want to be able to share what he’s doing. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time. How cool is that? I also wanted to ask for your prayers. They are definitely needed and would be greatly appreciated.

Guarded

Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. Psalm 16:5 (NIV)

What do you guard? You know, what do you protect and take care of?

Some of us guard our money. Often we guard our image. I guard time with my kids. When I am near them, I guard my grandchildren. My oldest grandson guards some of his toys so his younger brother won’t play with them. Some of us guard our responsibilities so others don’t take away how we feel fulfilled.

I am really terrible about guarding my time. I frequently have too much to do and not enough time to rest and relax. That causes very busy days and moments when I am not sure how I will accomplish my tasks. Some of those tasks are God given. There are times when things come and I know they are from Him and I need to do them.

All of life’s activities, whether they are self-imposed, other imposed or God imposed can make life feel just pain overwhelming.

There is one thing I have learned to guard that is essential to walking through this life; my time with God. You see, if I spend time doing that each day, if I set aside time to stop, be still and listen, all the rest falls into place. On the days when things are so chaotic that I feel like I am at my wit’s end, I’m trying to stop, pray and ask Him “What should I do next?” I keep doing this throughout the day and as the day wanes to an end, I have gotten done what I need to do.

I guard my time with God more than I guard anything else. This is the compass that sets my course. It is the sanity in the middle of chaos; the calm in the middle of the storm. Without it, I would be lost.

Guarding your God time doesn’t come naturally. It’s a habit learned. I am still learning. Luckily, God is a very patient teacher.

What Is Your Job?

“The work of God for you,” replied Jesus, “is to believe in the one whom he has sent to you.” John 6:29 (PHILLIPS)

It’s Monday and for some of us in the US, it’s a holiday. For others it’s a work day. For some of us, it’s a holiday but we have to go to work. And for others, we have work to do even if we are not spending time at a “job”. It seems like there is always work to do or a job to go to. And if you do go to a “job,” there are usually many other tasks outside of that job that need to get done.

It seems like my “To Do” list is never-ending. And I often ask God how I am supposed to get it all done. There isn’t enough time in the day to do what I think needs to get done.

But then God says “Wait. There is only one thing you need to do today and that is love me. If you don’t do anything else all day long but you spend time with me, you will have done the most important thing. Believe and everything else will fall into place.”

This is quite a relief. Because even when I do a whole lot, at the end of the day it can still feel like I got nothing accomplished. But, if I spend time with God each day, I know I did.

The most important thing we each do every day is spend time getting to know Jesus. If we check nothing else off of our “To Do” list today except that, we will have accomplished the ONE thing God said to do.

Somehow, everything else always seems to fall into place…..

Mission Possible

In light of all this, here’s what I want you to do. While I’m locked up here, a prisoner for the Master, I want you to get out there and walk—better yet, run!—on the road God called you to travel. I don’t want any of you sitting around on your hands. I don’t want anyone strolling off, down some path that goes nowhere. And mark that you do this with humility and discipline—not in fits and starts, but steadily, pouring yourselves out for each other in acts of love, alert at noticing differences and quick at mending fences.

You were all called to travel on the same road and in the same direction, so stay together, both outwardly and inwardly. You have one Master, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who rules over all, works through all, and is present in all. Everything you are and think and do is permeated with Oneness. Ephesians 4:1-6 (MSG)

These are your instructions for today. The only way you can do them is by keeping in touch with the Holy Spirit. Each time you feel that you want to quit or slack off, each time you want to take off on your own path and do your own thing, stop and pray. When it gets hard. Stop and pray. And when you find joy in the journey, stop and PRAISE!

Happy Friday Everyone!

Walking The Walk

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)

We were in the middle of a family crisis.  We'd had two unrelated family deaths in one week. As I stood in the kitchen processing I saw a mug that had the word "Journey" on it with today's text written underneath. I realized this is oh so true.

Often we think that if we are Christians life will be OK.  But God isn't interested in making us OK. He's interested in saving us. He's interested in making us more like Jesus. Often to do that, he uses the hardships of life to grow our relationship with him.

We think our walk with God is going to be like that Facebook post that says "I wish someone would say It's going to be OK. Here's some chocolate and six million dollars." But God's goal isn't to get us to lounge around and eat bonbons.  His goal is to get us anchored to Him. His goal is to grow us in such a way that no matter what happens, he is our path. He wants us to see him as the only path to take.

So, strap on your hiking shoes. Grab your walking stick and turn your face into the wind. Because God doesn't usually use feather pillows and bonbons to get our attention.

Where Was It I Was Going?

Careful! I’ve put a huge stone on the road to Mount Zion,
    a stone you can’t get around.
But the stone is me! If you’re looking for me,
    you’ll find me on the way, not in the way.
Romans 9:33 (MSG)

One of the really hard things about following God is when you know you are on a journey but you have no idea where you are going. God rarely reveals the destination. As a matter of fact, you don't always know at day break where you will end up by sundown.

For most of us, if we are willing to admit it, this is super frustrating. We have been told our whole life that you should make a plan and do the plan. You should know what you want and what you need to do to get there. We have ideas about what our life is supposed to look like and we know what it will take to accomplish our goals.

Enter in a relationship with God. Slowly, as you allow God to lead, he blocks first this path and then diverts you onto another. You are being directed, one step at a time, toward his purpose and his goal.

At first, this is really frustrating....who am I kidding....it continues at times to be frustrating but as you stick to his path, you begin to realize it is less about the destination and more about the journey. What you knew you wanted, becomes less important. Instead of feeling like God is in the way, you begin to realize that along the way you have found what you were looking for all along.

It is no longer about arriving or knowing where you will end up. It becomes about what happens along the way and even more importantly, who you've come to know.