For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)
Almost three years ago, God began to rock my world. I don’t mean that I just got to know him. He had whispered to me many years before and I considered myself a Christ follower. So did the people who knew me which is very funny if you knew my backstory…..but that’s another blog post.
I did want to know Jesus and I did follow him. And I kept asking him to know him more. I did really want that. And I guess, he decided to answer.
In mid-2016, the bottom fell out of my business. Along with that, the bottom fell out of my bank account as well. There is so much to that story, I could write a book. As I was stumbling along trying to figure this out, God kept saying “Trust me.”
In March 2017, my Pastor and friend asked me to go with her to a spiritual conference. I thought “Well, I’m not really working right now. I don’t have anything else to do so why not.” And I went. During that conference I felt God call. What does that mean? God spoke so loudly that he had something for me to do that I broke down sobbing when it happened. I cried through the rest of the day. Now, for those that don’t know me, I do cry but I don’t usually sob. In public. Uncontrollably.
People said God was calling me to pastor. I totally disagreed with that because just like I don’t typically sob, I’m also not your typical pastor material. I don’t say that in a derogatory way. Pastors are supposed to be gentle and not so opinionated (at least out loud.) Gentle and not opinionated are not usually used to describe me.
I was willing to say that God called me. But I was not willing to say to what. But that’s OK. God didn’t care. He just kept growing me, changing me and leading me into this calling of his. My job wasn’t to be able to describe it, it was to just keep walking the journey.
When people referred to me as a Pastor, I internally balked. I am not pastor material. But I kept walking toward whatever this calling was. Fast forward a few years. Lots of time spent with God, him growing, me walking (sometimes it felt like crawling (backwards)), training, reading and letting people speak into my life. And all of a sudden God said, “It’s time.”
We are planting a discipleship based church. And I am the church plant Pastor. It has taken a lot for me to write this post. I think this is why I haven’t written for a while. Because I knew I was supposed to write this and I couldn’t. I couldn’t because “what if?” What if I mess it up? What if this wasn’t my calling? I don’t know how to do this. My brain filled with “what if” fears.
Then God said. You can’t do it. Only I can. Look at me. Keep spending time with me and I will use you exactly the way I planned.
There is still a long journey ahead. And there is still part of me that wants to say that this is not the plan and something else will come up. But, in spite of the fact that I don’t believe this about myself, apparently, God is working.
And that is the really cool thing about God. If you can imagine it, put the plan in place and get it done, it was probably your plan and not God’s. If you look at it and think that is impossible and totally unbelievable, God was probably in it. The only thing to be afraid of then is that you start relying on your own strength.
I wrote this post because 1) God told me to and 2) because I want to be able to share what he’s doing. It’s exciting and terrifying at the same time. How cool is that? I also wanted to ask for your prayers. They are definitely needed and would be greatly appreciated.